You’ve practiced your scales, studied sonatas, read treatises on bow grip and galant phrasing. But no one has prepared you for the real battleground of the musicianship: real life.
A world full of colleagues with inflated egos, noisy audiences, and auditions judged by people who look like they walked out of a David Lynch film.

So, in the spirit of survival and solidarity, here’s a quick unofficial guide to things no teacher tells you — but you absolutely need.

🎻 1. Dealing with an unbearable quartet colleague
Every quartet has at least one member who thinks they’re Beethoven reincarnated. If that’s you, stop reading.
If you’re the other one, welcome to endless rehearsals, emotional dissection of semi-phrases, and the passive-aggressive glance at your every pizzicato.
Solution: cultivate your zen smile. Or carry a recorder, so you can prove it wasn’t you who messed up the tempo. (Not that they’ll believe you.)

🎤 2. Handling a noisy audience
You’ve studied Debussy for weeks. You reach the most mystical pianissimo… and someone’s phone rings. Loudly. And they answer.
Or the audience starts coughing like a tuberculosis ward, right in the dramatic silence.
Solution? Master the non-glare: a blend of composure and moral superiority. Or include a surprise encore imitating all audience noises. Humor wins over scolding.

😅 3. Smiling after a mistake
You slip. Your bow stutters. A note comes out like a duck with asthma.
And in that eternity of three seconds, your brain loops “Ohgodohgodohgod.”
The audience? Might not have noticed — until you react.
Solution: smile like it was part of the piece. Become the actor who’s playing the musician who meant to do that.

🎧 4. Tuning with someone out of tune (but with more ego)
You’re playing with someone whose sense of pitch is… flexible. Too bad they’re also convinced they’re divine.
You suggest tuning. They look at you like you insulted their ancestors.
Diplomatic move: “Strange… maybe my instrument caught some humidity…”
And then you tune to them. Yes, seriously. Real-life intonation = diplomacy.

😱 5. Surviving an audition
Freezing hall. Jury hidden behind a curtain. You’re called, you enter. Knees shaking, face calm.
You start… and halfway through: “Can you start again at bar 72?”
No. No one ever really studies bar 72.
Solution? Fake it. Pick any spot and go. With enough style, it’ll sound like a cadenza. Without it… well, at least you went down with flair.
(Then go home, scream into a pillow, and write a sonata about it.)

🎁 Bonus: Staying human
Everyone tells you about success, awards, technique. But few tell you that the real work is staying connected to why you play.
That yes, there are insufferable colleagues, tyrannical directors, noisy audiences and absurd auditions. But there is also that moment – rare, perfect – when you feel at one with the music. And, at least there, no one can touch you anymore.

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Share if you have experienced at least one of these situations, or if you have one to tell: needless to say, this is just a micro list of the surreal situations we are grappling with, so any anecdotes are welcome. We’re here to laugh, cry … and play.  🎶

by Bruno